The kind of rain that is loud and makes it hard to get out of bed.
But I did.
I got up and did the routine. Breakfast, making lunches, trying really hard to do my girl's hair, and then of course prayers before school.
After the girls left the boys were in the living room fighting over who got to be Indiana Jones. Then Jimmy did a flartie (while he was jumping up to the table to eat the left-over toast crust) and they laughed and that was the end of that fight/discussion.
I was in the laundry room folding clothes. My clothes. And for some reason my mind wandered off to the day Courtney took me to her guest room months ago. She was showing me where some of my clothes were kept since the accident and big move to Utah.
She left me alone and went to the closet touching all the clothes. It was like I was touching a dead woman's dresses. It was so strange. I felt dead, yet I was alive-just different.
I even went so far as to smelling them.
It smelled like me. Me in Arizona. Me in Arizona going to church, going on dates, smiling, laughing, creating, and playing around with my children.
I cried and sat down on Courtney's guest bed.
A wave of emotion took me for a few minutes.
I missed me again. I morned for that woman again.
I left that room taking nothing home. It was not time.
After I loaded the laundry in my washer I felt that familiar sadness. But then it was followed by a beautiful, spiritual confirmation that this is my new life. It is good. It is oh, so good!!
And then I felt I should go down to that closet down the street at Courtney's house and
bring home me.
Because it is still me.
And those clothes will still fit.