Elephants

I just received a phone call from my dear brother in law Andrew, who reports that Lucy is in labor. I love imagining Lucy at the farm house giving birth to her daughter Besty Aurora (named after yours truly).

I have thought several times this month that if I use the accident's time to a pregnancy, my baby would be due this month. Then only joy would come about...even those late night nursings are far better than late night pain.
But alas, its not true.
No cuddly baby to hold, nurse and love. Just questions, frustrations and grief. But that's that. Enough of that 'woe is me' crap.

Today I:
Enjoyed watching the girls lay in the sun sprawled out on the trampoline. The sun shinning and warming their bodies.

Nic and Ollie sat in the garden like cabbage-patch dolls...of course Gigs was naked.

Page came down to clean my house for me.

And Mr. Nielson made me whole wheat waffles with blueberry's and strawberry's atop with warm maple syrup.

Let me talk about Mr. Nielson for awhile.
Mr. Nielson thinks I am cool. He told me so. He also tells me he loves me every hour of the day. Our relationship has changed a lot since we moved in together again in February. Our bodies very different but our hearts the same. Lots and lots of love.
Most days I look in the mirror and cringe at what I see. I have a whole reconstructed nose, platypus lips and discoloring.
Call me vain, but it hurts.
No longer do I have the freckles and natural rosy cheeks. My hair is still short and scars cover a good portion of my face.
Dr. Coates in the burn unit said to me at my latest appointment;
"This too shall pass"
I wanted to slap her. How does she know. I turned bitter. But I still think about it, so I must have actually needed to hear that so I don't want to slap her anymore.

Mr. Nielson sees these trials in my life and loves me just the same. He has never stopped. Daily we talk about the accident sometimes sarcastic and sometimes serious.
Today was serious.
He recalled when he had woken up from the coma, everybody wanted to know what happened. Who was flying? Why did we crash? Was the plane out of power? And he didn't want to tell anyone anything except for me. He felt out of control and misunderstood. He told me he needed his "wifey".
Days after he woke up, he begged to see me. The nurses stabilized Mr. Nielson well enough so he could be wheeled to my room. I lay bandaged up like a mummy with eight different apparatuses keeping me alive and there he talked. He let everything out.
Of course I don't remember our visits while I slept but I know he mustered everything he could to get to me everyday so we could "chat".
I will never know what it was like for him day after day in tears seeing the love of his life the woman who bore him children, fed him the best meals of his life ( I might add) lay silent for so long while in a coma.
Why we go through hardship is something that is necessary. Life wasn't meant to be easy, we all know that one. Despite all the junk I deal with everyday, I still have Mr. Nielson. We are still alive, laughing at funny movie lines, kissing children, watching weekend mindless television and eating at Cafe Rio for goodness sake.
He will love me even if I don't. He will kiss me when I cry. He will (and does) jump for joy when I wake up in a good mood.
He is the best.
So even though my "baby" should be due this month he gently reminds me to press forward as a pregnant elephant.
For their gestation period is 22 months.


awesome.

I had wings

Last night was a doozy. The night before that was too. I lay awake not being able to close my eyes.
T h i n k i n g...a lot.
But last night in a frustrating rage I got up, and sat on my couch. My knees don't bend well, but I was sure that if I just knelt down and prayed I would sleep. I meant business to the Lord. I awkwardly lowered my body down and prayed in silence. My knees ached and I only felt a numb blunt feeling. But I prayed, I prayed hard.
The crickets sang loudly outside in the dark.
It's not fun to have insomnia. It's really not fun to have gotten in a plane crash either. Some moments are so dark for me that I want to scream with madness in my little heart.
OH! that little heart of mine. Mr. Nielson told me that It had failed twice while I was being life-flighted in a helicopter headed to my new home for 5 months. ( aka: the hospital.)
My heart wanted to live, to fight...and it did. So here I am. Alive and awake at 4:00 am.
I lay on my couch after I prayed and my mind calmed down. I imagined myself in a white flowing dress with wings. I checked on my babies all sleeping soundly. Claire and Jane nestled together in Jane's bed. Ollie and Gigs sprawled out in their bed. Of course my Mr. Nielson was licking his lips (as he does while he sleeps) so I knew he was comfortable. Good.
Then I unlatched the lock on my door and flew to Courtney's house. There I saw the chief in her arms in the nursery rocking chair. Both peacefully sleeping while Chup snored in the room next door.
I floated out and head past Mindy's house. She too slept soundly in the arms of her Mr.
Up the street I went past Marion and Don's flower cottage. They were snug in there covers so was Matt and Katy and the children in the house across the street.
I got to Mom and Dads on Fir Avenue but I didn't go inside. Instead I sat on the swing in the backyard that Mr. Nielson made last summer for my Dad's birthday. I started swinging higher and higher I went until I jumped off and soared in the house went upstairs then....
Ollie woke me up.
It was 7:00 am. I had slept some. Good for me.
Tonight I am going to imagine this again since it worked last time.
Where will I go tonight?
I'll tell you tomorrow.

Big plans

Typing this entry for my dialogues, I feel my mind flowing with thoughts.
Outside I see the mountain snow run-off barreling down the gutter in front of my house. Reminds me of my care-free days of my youth. We would make boats out of leaves and start at the top of the street and follow the gutter to the end. Running as fast as we could to keep up with the swift, cold water.

Now, I would give anything to be able to run at all.

This past week has been very hard. Pain has invaded my life and some days I wonder if it will ever end. Chronic pain has got to be the worst trial. Oh how I wish everyone for health. Oh! How important a strong body is. Keep eating your 9-grain in the morning...seriously guys seriously.

Speaking of healthy bodies, I think my body has been deprived of my vaNIElla cupcakes at the sweet tooth bakery. I haven't had one in days. I need one-or a dozen. They make me happy and that is a good thing right now. Anything to get me through these days....anything.

Last night I called for my girls to join me in my bed for a chat. Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked at my daughters. Such gorgeous things. I told them how sorry I was, how sorry I was that the airplane crashed. I wept. They looked stunned at my boldness. Claire patted my head softy and Jane wrapped her arms around me. There were no words, just tears.

I told them that I would never ever let anything like that disturb our family again.

I won't.

Then we all linked pinkies to reinforce the very powerful, very serious pinkie promise. Then we smiled and my pain felt lifted. As they jumped off my bed to retire to there own, I told them I loved them and that Heavenly Father has big plans for our family, and we need not worry just trust in Him. Jane looked at me and said;
"Is that why the airplane fell out of the sky? Did he do that?"
"Yes-well no" I slowly answered, a little confused myself "but He saved our lives and that was the beginning of the part of our big plan. We are in the middle of it right now and It is going to get easier."
I heard myself mimicking exactly what my Mom had just told me earlier and now I believed it.

I had too.

My pain, heartache and confusion have led me to state of mind that all is lost, but when I look into my children's eyes I see my Savior and I know that it is not lost, it is just the beginning of a "big plan" for us.
I hope the big plan includes lots of cupcakes. I have a feeling it will.


UPDATE:
I picked out paint colors for the chairs. I am going to surprise you all (and Mom) and show you when we are done.
Also, this week my Father Stephen (my namesake) is announcing his candidacy for Provo City Mayor. To all you Provo citz's: I need your help and your vote. More details later.

The update

{This is what is happening as I type this}

I am back safe and sound from surgery.
Again, thank you for your prayers.
A skin graft was taken from my right inner thigh and placed on my neck for more neck extension.
My mouth was also cut so I could eat, smile and talk better. Stitches...ouch.
I am a lucky girl to have such amazing doctors and nurses.
I smell bad.
I am unable to bathe right now due to my skin graft-
Yesterday Ollie put on my deodorant.
Today I dipped my feet in the water and gave myself a sponge bath. Gigs joined me. It was so--normal.
Mothers Day was a lovely one. Mr. Nielson made me six adirondack chairs. I can't decide what to paint them yet...any suggestions?
Also my biological clock left me something for Mothers Day. Something I was worried would not come back, but the possibility of more children is now possible! How appropriate for Mothers day!!
I came home from surgery with flowers, cards, letters, packages and food. It was so nice. Thank you all for your love and concern.
After a few pretty terrible days, we keep pressing forward-don't we.

Going back

I am headed back in for surgery 8:00 a.m today.
Prayers would be appreciated.

Love you all,


Nie

Down to the minute

7:50 am: Mr. Nielson prepares Claire's field-trip lunch which is much different than a regular sack lunch. Field trip sack lunches are much bigger and offer junk food. Mr. Nielson and I went shopping yesterday for everything to put in the lunch. We felt like Santa. It was exciting. Among the items, cheetos, kit-kat, and a juice box.

9:45 am: The children have been trying to catch a moth that has been flying around the house for three days. No success. It reminded me of, well-me. I feel like the children and my situation the moth. I wish I could grab it and tell it to slow down. Tell it to stop being so scared and stressed and moody. But alas I can't. Something must be learned here and lots of the days I don't know what.

10:15 am: While Miss B. changed my wounds and dressed them for the day I heard in the other room our song. "Ours" being Mr. Nielson and my song. The one we used to dance to in the kitchen in front of the children. (seriously, that song...again, I plead with you to listen to the words, touching really) I overheard Mr. Nielson tell Miss B. that he used to sing me this song over and over again while in a wheelchair at my bed side. I was sleeping and he was healing. I wanted to cry. I think I did.

12:09 pm:Mother comes to pick me up for lunch and then to see my 96 year old grandfather "papa". We enjoyed the spring day at the park eating lunch until a man peed in the bushes next to us. After that catastrophe, I knew I needed a cupcake and since we were headed down that way, why-not. To my excitement, the Vanilla-squared cupcakes had been changed to the vaNIElla cupcakes. What a very happy surprise. That Megan! Also I ran into the "C" sisters from Spanish Fork who so generously bought my cupcakes. Oh Happy afternoon.

{papa and my family summer '08}

1:30 pm: Met with Papa. Oh how I love him. His old body reached for me in a grandfatherly way. He will always have a smell-one that will never change. He took my hand and held on to it during our conversation. He rubbed my fingers gently and kissed my cheek. Last year he was afraid he'd never see me again. He called my mother all the time, sent donations and prayers my way. He was worried, but now he can put that all to ease. Now that he knows I am alive.
I am alive.

5:30 pm: Nic poops on front door mat...awesome.

6:00 pm: Out of physical gas. (no pun intended)

7:30 pm: Mr. Nielson rounds up the children for dinner and dubs tonight "everything night". The kids so delighted! What they don't know is 'everything night' means every single left-over we've had and kept since Easter.

8:00 pm: Crying begins

9:00 pm: Snuggle with my girls in their beds.

10:48 pm: Say goodnight and goodbye to May 5th, 2009....Welcome May 6th!



PS Thank you Andrew & Stacy. I love you guys.