Feeling good.

Its been awhile since I posted. I should post more often since I've been feeling good these past couple days. By feeling good, I mean eating some good quality chocolate, spectacular Mexican food, and love e-mails from so many people. It helps.
But what really has helped has been my faith (that I am trying to muster up everyday) in my recovery process.

It is the prayers on my behalf and the solid love my family, particularly Mr. Nielson has given me everyday. I will now happily name a few reasons why I am feeling good. They are also called "second firsts" to me- like, I have been able to wipe myself (and everything that entails). Showers are becoming easier, preparing food-well, OK like pouring the milk in the cereal seems doable enough. I am definitely getting better.

This past weekend, we were invited to "5 guys burgers and fries" family/friend party. I invited my brother Andrew, his wife Megan and their children. Boy was it hopping. They just opened up in Orem. The fries were endless. A dinner dream come true. Everyone was so kind and that place is very kid-friendly, another dream come true. Andrew said the burger was "awesome". Since I don't eat meat I had to get an opinion. When you go, (because you should) ask for "Jeff".
A delightful piece of chocolate cake was shared after hours at another restaurant with Andrew and Meg while their oldest babysat the gang. (thanks chick!)

This evening, Mr. Nielson finished up our wallpaper in the entry-way. It looks fantastic. As he was working a whiny Nicholas pulled on his pant leg repeating something over and over again. I could tell my sweet husband was getting frustrated and Nicholas sensed it as well. He started crying and that's when I came in. I told the little man to follow me to the couch where he climbed up and I gently PICKED HIM UP!! Folks, did you hear that!
It was another personal wonder in my recovery book.
It is a detail in a mothers life that seems very everyday, but for me, it kept me up at night after the accident. I couldn't see myself ever being able to do that again.
He lay his head down on my bony shoulder as I walked around the house once.
(maybe twice next week?!)
After I couldn't hold the little cherub anymore, I sat down holding him. My heart nearly jumped out of my skin. I was so privately pleased with myself (and also because Nic is a very heavy kid).

I helped the girls do homework and Oliver asked me to itch his back-
I think we all need a good itchin' now and then don't you?


Spiritual Enlightenment...go here.
Everything is going to be OK. I know it.

Silhouette time.

I always make new family silhouettes every year on the first day of April. The first day of April is vastly approaching. Despite that my hands don't do much at all I can't lift my camera to create the image and my silhouette has changed. A lot.

I am really hesitant to make one for me, I know I will hate it.

Mr. Nielson is lucky, he has a good side (if you call that lucky) only one side of his face burned and the other perfect. I think this year we will skip us. It's the children who change so much anyway. Nicholas still has a bigger head than Ollie and Ollie still has a large forehead. Jane has longer hair while Claire has chopped her locks. Life still moves on, and aren't we grateful for that?

Each day I improve more and more. I am using my hands better and my knees bend.
I cleared off the counter tonight-only because Mr. N hates wiping the counter down.
He'd do anything, anything than take a damp cloth and wipe down the table or counter.
We all pick our fights.

Today I actually picked up Gigs out of his highchair and placed him on the ground...I did it! That takes a lot of guns, which apparently I am getting. I'm still in search for some good quality junk for the trunk. No such luck...yet!!

Well, it's a weekend. I am glad. It means life slows down a bit. We will most likely eat out and watch movies.

*****************************

Dear Aunt Karen,
Sorry I missed your call. Yes I would love to pack the family in the car
(I hate flying, remember) and drive to you and stay. How does August sound?

Love your niece,
Stephanie Aurora

A mother.

Last week was hard. I mean like every breath was painful with sadness and depression and I was feeling slightly misunderstood.
When the sun fades my heart sinks. Nights are hard.
One night in particular was hard. Looking in the mirror gives me instant frustration because the questions begin in my head like: Who am I? Is this what I will look like forever? Will I ever truly love the way I look again? Do I love myself? Then I cry. Then Mr. Nielson holds me tight and repeats loving and calming words that slowly work their way in.
A cry downstairs. Must be Nicholas. I look at Mr. Nielson and tell him I really want to go and put him back to dreamland. My boys devour Christian all day long like he were a ice cream cone. They can never get enough. I used to be that ice cream cone. The accident changed that. Getting Ollie to hug me is like pulling teeth. Nicholas wont have anything to do with me so when he began to cry I jumped at the opportunity to lay beside him.
Tears dropped as I walked down the stairs to the boys room- anything could happen. He could scream for his Dad or mom (lucy) and push me away. Inside Nicholas sat up next to a sleeping brother (who by the way was wearing a Zorro mask) I lay beside him on he bed repeating soft words to him just as Mr. Nielson had done for me moments earlier.
Nicholas cuddled up to me. He stopped crying. I was shocked. For a moment I felt like myself-a mother. I think that cured our relationship.
Just today he asked for his mommy then curled up on my lap, rubbed my scar filled face and said to me:
"bites mommy...ouch"
Now he likes me. Just like that. It just takes one day at a time.
Saturday I woke up and I was happy. My body felt like it was full of sunshine. No pain. I got up early and said my prayers then I turned on my music and opened the blinds. I ate breakfast with Nicholas while the other sleepy-heads slowly walked up the stairs for their morning nutrients.
Again it happened, I felt like a mother.

It's coming back.

Smelling books.

I am eating Top Ramen tonight and filling out book fair orders for the girls.
Book fair orders are a magical.
I remember as a child my teacher passing out book fair flyer's filled with all sorts of books, posters, and sometimes games. The flyer smelled good, and I think I enjoyed the smell of the paper as much as the books for sale inside. (I am a paper-smeller-one who smells paper, napkins and books. Bookstores are equivalent to Bath and Body Works to me).
I would race home to view the flyer for books. With my large red marker I circled the ones I wanted.

So many books to choose from

I told Mom who happily reviewed my selection, wrote a check and the next day my order was out. When the books arrived, my teacher would place them on my desk five minutes until the school let out. And when that bell rang, I zoomed home and smelled the books then read them (sometimes at the same time).
I was so excited when Claire brought a book fair flyer home...same great smell and same great books. I gave Jane and Claire a marker in which they went crazy circling almost every book. We had to narrow it down to a few. (a past-time I recollect well)
Then after the darlings went to bed, I realized we didn't have any green food coloring for those sneaky leprechauns to change our food into green, so I sent Mr. Nielson (my personal leprechaun) to the local grocer down the street.
Why, he just walked in the front door-why, what is in his hands? Green food coloring AND another chocolate cake...still searching for the "one" you know.
So, tonight I wrote a check for the book fair, finished my ramen and now it is off to put this sore body to bed.

Thank you all for your chocolate cake recipes, I will try them-all of them


Please check this out, it is good and informative.
I honor my membership as a Mormon and the sacred rolls our temples fulfill.
I hope you will too.

Kisses.

My goal and orange flowers

Friday, Mr. Nielson picked me up from a grueling day at therapy. All the children were in the car with smiles on (except for Ollie who was sound asleep).

"Honey, I thought we could go to the pet store to buy Jimmy a updated tag for his collar" Mr. Nielson described while buckling me up in the car. Inside, I was so tired and hungry but the kids in the car excused all my needs. I love family drives. All the children so close together and with me under one (car) roof.
We drove to the pet store and-
I did it.
I saw the spring birds perched on their twigs in the display window. They looked so magical.
The very thought of happiness. Bright yellows, brilliant greens and blues. I was sucked in.
"Darling, lets do it, lets get two birds. They look so happy and spring-ish" I suggested spontaneously. Mr. Nielson didn't wink an eye.
"Which ones do you like"
The children all weighed in the decision, and we took home two darling birds with a house made out of green iron.
Names you ask?
The kids decided on "Cocoa" and "Sarah".
The weekend was had eating huge piles of cheese fries with fry sauce.
(please tell me you know what that is!!).
Saturday I went on my daily walk and lunch with Mom and Dad. Lunch was nachos with beans, cheese, sour cream and tons of guac. yum.
Mom took Dad and I to a nursery to find the plumpest looking pansies. While I was there, I found myself enjoying the colors and smells almost to tears. Six months ago, I lay in a hospital bed. I was sleeping while the fall colors appeared and changed. I missed them. I missed fall. I missed a lot while I lay lifeless in a hospital bed- including two children's birthdays.
Walking around the nursery on a beautiful spring afternoon was a treat that even I couldn't help but buy us a few flats of pansies and primroses in orange.
Then we gathered Jimmy and Nan (our matching dogs) and the children to start practicing for my goal.

MY GOAL: To officially hike the "Y" on my accident date, Aug 16th.



Working my way one switchback at a time until I am officially ready-hopefully by August.
We climbed up the first switchback in good time. My legs barely bent with so much scaring and tissue holding them back. I wanted to break free and begin running up the trail like I used to. This was hard emotionally and physically.
My parents and my sweet Mr. Nielson (in his white hat) cheered me on. Finally getting to the first switchback I did it! It was like heaven. Everyone smiling, everyone happy, everyone hugging.

We held hands down and the beautiful sun was gone behind the lake. Time to go home and make dinner, kids in tubs, church clothes picked out, house picked up, kisses, stories, and then goodnight. Just like the good old days.

Really.

chocolate cake.

I went to Salt Lake City for my gazillionth follow-up visit yesterday.

It was a good visit but all I could think about was chocolate cake. It got so bad that I imagined my doctor's head was a piece of cake.
With ice cream.
And a cherry on top.
It was weird.
So, Mr. Nielson and I became been very, very busy trying to find the best chocolate cake possible. I think we have tried at least 13 different cakes now.
Finally we found a pretty tasty chocolate confection true to my chocolate taste. Plenty of frosting with plenty of layers. This chocolate cake is only sold whole....oh darn, I guess we will have to buy the cake.
We got back late from the doctors office, so we picked up a pizza on the way home.
Mr. Nielson also bought me a beautiful bunch of colorful roses. I think he heard me hint to him a few days ago, that I never wanted to let my dining room table go a day without flowers. (my pearl colored tulips were falling apart) So this was a lovely surprise.
We came back to the homestead with a pizza, chocolate cake, and a colorful variety of roses which were promptly placed on the dining room table. The children gathered around ohh-ed and ahh-ed at the goods and dug in.
I will admit this. I am trying really hard to gain weight. You heard me, GAIN weight. I liked my weight before the crash. I have twigs for legs and my ribs stick out further than my you-know-whats. So, you see why finding the most delectable chocolate cake is important me.
Mom came over for dinner tonight.
She babied me and rubbed my face.
Mr. Nielson created a delicious dinner with cake for dessert (what else). After dinner, he rounded up the children and mom and I followed them into the living room. It was a beautiful evening looking out my large windows. Mr. Nielson read to us from the scriptures.
I rested my head on mom's shoulders.
A very familiar feeling I remember since I could remember. All is well there.
After our goodbyes, I put the boys to sleep. What a moment. How sacred it is, to place my two boys in their beds and watch their eyes drift away. I spent almost an hour downstairs feeling their little spirits so strongly.
Then I came upstairs to Mr. Nielson who was finishing up the dishes.
I finished off the unfinished cake on the plates from dessert.
I told Mr. Nielson that I loved him...a lot.
Then I asked him if he noticed any junk in my trunk.
Of course he said
y
e
s.

No request is to extreme

I was swimming legs extending and bending without force. Freely I twisted and turned exploding through the clear waters. I was free from any pain and restrictions. I was Happy.

Then I woke up.

It was another dream. I’ve been getting those dreams lately. Dreams where I am doing things that I can’t do at the moment like once I dreamt Mr. Nielson was taking me out on a date. We danced by a glowing fire. I was wearing my simple back dress with my red heals and red accessories.

That was a pleasant dream.

Then another dream found me under an orange tree with Mr. Nielson and Doug (the sweet man who taught Mr. Nielson how to fly. He passed away in the crash.) We sat on a blanket watching airplanes take off and drank ice-cold lemonade.

Sometimes waking up is sad. I long for some of those dreams to be real.

We picked Claire up at mom’s house today. She and Claire were looking at my old scrapbook. I browsed through it long enough that a few pictures of myself made me cry.
Mom said that I would look like that again even more beautiful.

I just want to be well enough that I can cook for my family again.

Seconds after the plane crashed I found myself lying under a beautiful large tree. It’s leaves fluttered in the wind. Lying with burns over my entire body I longed to be a leaf up there twirling in the wind instead of in pain and on the ground. When residents of St. Johns AZ came to my rescue, I asked them to help me up- it was dinnertime and I needed to go home and feed my family.
I have a bedtime playlist and on it is the famous ‘When you wish upon a star’ song.
My favorite line is:
“If your heart is in your dreams, no request is too extreme"

I can’t wait.

Sleeping and smiling.

Today mom and I went to the hospital. Another long physical therapy session in which I slept through. (You see, I think I have figured why I fall off to dreamland even while in pain. It is because of the anti-itch meds that make me looney/sleepy.) Today I blurted out "yeees" in my sleep and afterwards immediately tried to cover that one up. I looked up at Cindy (my PT) in a dazed glance. Then I said "Yeeesss Cindy, I really like that stretch on my thumb". (no I dont, I hate when she insists on pulling my thumb over to my wrist). I know she knows I was trying to cover it up.
I felt so stupid.
Then fell back to sleep.
On the way home I made my Mom drive me to a special grocery store for some quality "squeaky cheese". I crave that as if it was going out of style.
I love it so much!
While Mom was in the store picking up the goods, I stayed in the car, and thought about the time Mom and I went to the local dairy to pick up some odds and ends. I was six. I saw the cheese glisten in the their plastic sacks like cheddar jewels. It was my first taste of happiness (besides hostess cupcakes) back then and I was hooked-still am.
Claire loves it in her lunch.
Jane hates it.
Ollie nibbles on it here and there.
Gigs devourers it.
Mr. Nielson enjoys it now and then but not with cashews like I do.
I spoke to Ms. Jones on Sunday. It felt good. It was the first time since the accident. Ms. Jones was one of those dear friends who visited me in the hospital daily. She would read to me, tell me how my children were, and I imagine pray with me while I slept day after day.
I love you Ms. Jones...lots.
Mom and I pulled up to my driveway. Inside opera music played loudly while Mr. Nielson finished the last touches on dinner. I insisted Mom call Dad to come up and join us. We all shared a delicious meal and we all tried to make Ollie smile.
(real late nap = really grumpy child)
Finally we turned on Indiana Jones' theme song.
Then he smiled and all was well.
Now, I am going to finish my dream from this afternoon-me and my family on Whidbey Island painting shells and eating fresh salmon...what do you say Auntie Karen?